Bluesky Funnies 2025-01-11

[scans box of condoms at self checkout]UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA[scans again]UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREAwtf [scans again]I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU

— Grant Tanaka (@granttanaka.bsky.social) 2025-01-04T02:17:23.416Z

Would like to sleep through the night but I take my responsibility as upstairs neighbor very seriously and these bowling balls aren’t gonna drop themselves

— Trisarahjtops (@trisarahjtops.bsky.social) 2025-01-04T08:21:07.406Z

I sure do watch a lot of reality cooking shows for someone who can’t cook or deal with reality.

— (@jedigigi.bsky.social) 2023-12-09T17:19:59.464Z

Survey:What’s your favorite song about rocking a casbah?

— 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜 (@unfitz.bsky.social) 2025-01-04T01:46:47.828Z

“It’s called charcuterie, Dave. C-H-A-R-C-U-T-E-R-I-E. Google it, it’s a thing.”

— Uncle Duke (@uncleduke1969.bsky.social) 2025-01-04T01:37:43.140Z

general and extremely gentle reminder that the steller’s jay is a clown and an ass. I have updated the graph i made about him for the new year

— Audrey Farnsworth (@audipenny.bsky.social) 2025-01-04T09:20:22.524Z

if someone hasn’t already invented a vibrating cushion called the ass massagerie i got dibs

— Frances Meh (@francesmeh.reviews) 2025-01-04T15:31:12.654Z

[party store]me: yes I’d like one confetto, pleasecashier: one . . . confetto?me: it’s a very small party

— Dropped Mike (@rebrafsim.bsky.social) 2024-12-22T12:50:58.714Z

We don't have anything like The Smithsonian in Canada but we've got a guy who collects beaver hats.

— Jimmer Cork-Bottle (@jimmerthatisall.bsky.social) 2025-01-04T17:54:21.447Z

As a loving partner, it's your duty to make fun of the instructor in the workout video they're watching

— Mike Schuster (@mcs212.bsky.social) 2025-01-04T10:09:36.552Z

Teller asked if I had a preferred denomination and I said “no, I’m agnostic” and her silence was a reminder that Bluesky humor doesn’t work in the real world.

— Woodrow Peel 🆗🆒 (@woodyluvscoffee.bsky.social) 2025-01-05T02:25:32.311Z

*production of Joseph & The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat on stage*Dog in audience: *whispering to date* Is it me or is the coat just not that impressive?

— Rob Cee (@therobcee.bsky.social) 2024-11-28T05:28:31.602Z

[playing poker]FRIEND: I’m all inME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in tooFRIEND: um, a pair of kingsME: you bet we are

— Kalvin the Reindeer (@kalvinmacleod.bsky.social) 2024-12-17T23:08:06.347Z

Using the word 'boobies' is not acceptable for a man of my age.At least it isn't if I'm listing them in the 𝘩𝘰𝘣𝘣𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘭 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘴 section of my resumé, apparently.

— bacon popsicle 🫣 (@gupton68.bsky.social) 2025-01-06T14:09:47.252Z

AUSTRALIAN VENTRILOQUIST: *throws voice but it comes back*

— Swim Jeans 👖 (@shortsleevesuit.bsky.social) 2025-01-04T17:16:50.793Z

hit another setback in my work on the pancake zamboni, a miniature zamboni for making pancakes smooth as an ice skating rink. not to get into all the technical details but the gerbils are refusing to drive it

— walruslifestyle (@walruslifestyle.bsky.social) 2025-01-03T14:35:20.846Z

how come the employer doesn’t have to wash their hands

— m@thew (@tweetpotato314.bsky.social) 2025-01-05T19:45:30.279Z

It was the worst of times, it was the even worse than that of times

— Mike Drucker (@mikedrucker.bsky.social) 2025-01-08T11:40:24.058Z

Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.

— Penis Grigio (@pinotevil.bsky.social) 2024-12-09T20:36:27.951Z

nobel prize-winning chemists eat the breakfast of champ ions it took me 3 hours to write this crap you’re welcome

— (@kattsdogma.bsky.social) 2025-01-08T15:14:18.834Z