Bluesky Funnies 2025-03-01

“I need to speak to a supervisor!!”“Please lower your voice, ma’am.”“Are you in charge here?!?”“Yes, I’m the branch manager.”

— Uncle Duke (@uncleduke1969.bsky.social) 2025-02-23T15:13:05.715Z

Maybe Kurt Cobain was only miserable because he never tried soft toilet paper.

— Rob Cee (@therobcee.bsky.social) 2025-02-23T15:13:58.017Z

Introducing Barilla’s new and improved elbow macaroni, now made with 40% more arms joints, enhancing that classic elbow flavor

— Avery (@averybodyposts.bsky.social) 2025-02-20T21:56:36.555Z

Saw the cutest toddler eating pizza with her mom and felt the deep, primal ache of a woman who wants refined carbs of her very own.

— Sarah (@thetigersez.bsky.social) 2025-02-22T20:20:43.459Z

“I’ll have the number three Body of Christ with cheese, no onions, an order of Loaves and Fishes, and a Last Supper Unhappy Meal, please. Also, three medium Holy Waters, no ice.”

— Uncle Duke (@uncleduke1969.bsky.social) 2025-02-23T16:56:36.172Z

regret to inform everyone this is a real guy who could be pope

— holden m. accountable (@noahs.bsky.social) 2025-02-22T20:08:35.589Z

If your children are scared of monsters under their bed just calmly explain to them that monsters can come from anywhere, sometimes from within the people you trust the most before laughing maniacally and turning off their night light.

— Bread John (@breadery.bsky.social) 2025-02-23T22:57:26.229Z

Hey girl are you minus two hundred and seventy three degrees Celsius?Cos you have absolute zero interest in me

— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud.bsky.social) 2025-02-21T13:12:23.230Z

ZOOKEEPER: The inland Taipan snake can kill a human in only 45 minutes. ME: *way too loud* THAT'S VENOMENAL.ZOOKEEPER: *tazing me* How did you get back in here?

— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud.bsky.social) 2025-02-22T21:31:24.696Z

I could never participate in an orgy. Too many people to say I love you to

— Salty MacTavish (@saltymactavish.bsky.social) 2025-02-22T23:38:43.218Z

i know i was going a bit fast officer, but maybe we could just forget this ever happened *extends the remainder of my chili dog*

— grilled cheese (@grilldcheese.bsky.social) 2025-02-24T03:12:51.859Z

Babies are so dumb they try to use magazines like ipads. Yeah all 72 pages of that issue of Time are touch screens. It cost $36,000. Idiot.

— vineyille (@vineyille.bsky.social) 2025-02-18T17:53:55.176Z

Happy one-year anniversary, Glasgow Willy Wonka Experience

— Maria Bustillos (@mariabustillos.bsky.social) 2025-02-24T21:48:54.352Z

decision 2026: nazi salute vs. jerkoff motion / eyeroll

— skáld (@danglinghemmie.bsky.social) 2025-02-25T02:22:22.453Z

We trained our hyenas to only laugh at men in cargo shorts.

— Greeneville Zoo (@greenevillezoo.bsky.social) 2025-02-26T02:44:18.149Z

imagine being a secret service agent with an impeccable career and lifetime of serving the country and then you get assigned to guard the closet that they keep jd vance locked in

— Ygrene (@ygrene.bsky.social) 2025-02-26T03:14:46.158Z

[Walking into HR]HR: Did you just hiss at me?Me: No, I was sizzling imaginary water on my nipples.HR: That's what we wanted to talk to you about.

— Bread John (@breadery.bsky.social) 2025-02-28T07:25:07.057Z